Council Chair rejects radio show

Stackton Tressel town council chairman Dame Celia Baumhugger refused to appear on Desert Island Discs when they rejected her selection of exclusively Ed Sheeran songs.  She commented I've been told Edward Sheraton is local, likes trees and appeared in that Detectorists thingy.

Stackton fury at council appointment

Last month's Stackton Tressel town council appointed a wellbeing deliverance officer amidst controversy.  It has been revealed that the vacancy was only advertised in the quarterly Suffolk Born and Bred and one inappropriate poster in the town's trouser museum.  Council chairman Dame Celia Baumhugger (28) commented she hadn't known about the poster and new wellbeing officer Spike Ristbond (28) does like trees.

Stackers man abducted by aliens

Children's entertainer, soapbox racer and Stackton Tressel community leader Hamish McEdbanguh (28) claims that whilst picnicking in Rendlesham Forest last week he was abducted by aliens.  The abduction ended when Mr EdBanguh requested the anal probes.  Mr EdBanguh conjectured that the abduction was somehow connected with the Commonwealth Games being held in Glasgow.  Mr McEdbanguh has reported the alleged incident to PC Evan Thatchpole (28) but PC Thatchpole claimed he could not record the alleged incident as he was presently without a pencil and with all these cuts he wasn't sure when he'd get another.

Mackenzie Crook lookalike spotted

Mackenzie Crook (28) lookalike James Llewelyn (28) was seen near the Fressingfield Fox and Goose last week.  The experienced lookalike is presently filming the new BBC4 sitcom Arborealists in nearby Stackton Tressel.  The plot revolves around a parish council's attempts to get the local tree protection league declared a terrorist organisation.  Llewelyn plays the parish council chairwoman Tingaling (28) reprising Crook's role as Servelan (28) in Blake's Junction 7.

Crime Spree Near The Coast

Residents were shocked and outraged when an uncontrolled crime spree swept near the coast last weekend.  In Framlingham a terra cotta pot was viciously (cont'd on p28)

Local web site gets visitors

DiscoverSuffolk.com is an exciting, vibrant and new initiative by Suffolk County Council to generate employment.  After some £30,000 expenditure the web site has already had some visitors who have learnt that Suffolk is in East Anglia and takes in parts of Norfolk.  International web site stylist Mark Time told us  "The important thing with an exciting, vibrant and new initiative is to have lots of meetings and the occasional open day with sandwiches".  He continued "The rate payers of Suffolk (and parts of Norfolk) can rest assured we will be spending another £30,000 on further exciting, vibrant and new meetings and a downloadable PowerPoint presentation showing pages from the web site."

Austrian web design company  Dielaughing Media who have constructed DiscoverSuffolk.com were not available for comment as they were on their holidays at a small arms exhibition in Kosovo.

Plans to control anti-social drinking

Proposals to control anti-social drinking in a Suffolk district council are being put to the people of  Framlingham.  Residents are being asked to give their views on plans to introduce designation orders in parts of  the Suffolk Coastal District Council offices.  In these areas someone whose behaviour is deemed to be anti-social can be ordered to stop consuming alcohol and hand over the drink.  The proposal is being made by Framlingham Town Council.

"Similar restrictions have already been introduced in Felixstowe, Leiston and Woodbridge and have helped the SAS improve the quality of life for those who live there" Councillor Sherry Green (28) said.

In the designated areas anyone failing to comply faces a potential fine of up to £500 and confiscation of their highlighter.  Anyone wanting to comment on the proposal can send them to the council's community safety officer (who for security reasons has no email or postal address) by the Wednesday before last.

Web site vows to be useless

Yesterday Des Fisher (28) managing director of the East African's parent company NaTCH Engineering promised that the local paper's new website would continue the successful formula of tedious and sometimes incomprehensible picture editing combined with an errror in every news item.  He recommended 'surfers' and 'blowins' to visit nearthecoast.com/Framlingham if they wanted stimulating photography and only the occasional error.

Though occasionally  from East London himself Mr Fisher has strong views about the 'londoner' style of journalism and thinks it causes breakdown of the family unit and can lead to incontinence.  "If only young journalists would stick to the Suffolk 'slap and up cock' style that has been tried and tested then I am convinced there would be fewer divorces" he said addressing the Parham Drome 'n Drum Club.

Local man meets traffic warden

Imagine delivery driver Darren Gerbak's (28) surprise and delight when last week he (cont'd on p28)

slightly more reliable news at Near The Coast